Oh The Douchebaggery

I had a harrowing day.

Now, don't get me wrong, I really do try to avoid the woe is me's...but, shit!

Give a sista' a break!

Let me start out by saying that I don't sleep all that much.

Somebody call the fire department because my synapses are aflame!

Lemme break it down to brass tacks...
I have slept a total of four hours in the past three days.

Am I tired?

Yes! God.

I could stand to take a Rumpelstiltskin sized nap right about now.

But I have too much on my mind.

So I am cranky and just disagreeable to the world.

Therefore, when I rouse myself from my zombie state in order to make it to my doctor's appointment, I am already angry as all get out.

I don't do the doctor appointment thing unless I have a valid reason.

I could get into my history with doctors and its penultimate resulting of my severe hypochondria but, truth is, the facts here are stranger than fiction.

I swear to Jehu! My schnauzer could give me a more accurate diagnosis for the collective ills I have suffered than most of the pill-peddlers I have seen.

And she's soft to the touch. Like cotton candy!

So I am already apprehensive when I walked in today.

I made the appointment a month ago after I had gotten a worrisome sunburn..the second of such in as many years.

I worry not just because of the aforementioned hypochondria, but also because I am damn white.
Irish white.
I burn and then freckle.

Other words I will never get that coveted Ms.Hawaiian Tropic sash I always longed for.

Hold me?

So I face my fears.

I make an appointment.

And because the medical system in general sucks and clearly wants to torture the irrational part of my brain that not only tells me that I have a definitive case of skin cancer, but also, possibly lupus, most likely diphtheria, perchance smallpox---

I have to wait a month to see the doctor.

So today I go in.

I am prepared for the worst.

My sorry ass...
And yes! my ass was involved!

The good doc asked permission to see my butt...I'm like okay...I'm all Coppertone babied out---I prepare for a full body check, homies.

I'm bathed and lotioned. Par for the course, yes?

But you know when I felt a hint of resignation about allowing her to access my ass?

When I realized she also asked if she could take off my shoes to examine my feet.

I said, "Sure"!
You're the doctor.
And she spread my toes.
Yessss.

That thought definitely reared it's ugly head when I realized that what she did to the piggy who went to market and the piggy who stayed home was actually happening to the left and the right cheeks of my posterior.

I didn't expect that.

Nor did I expect her to keep dropping all of her instruments on the floor followed by exclamations of, "Oh! I don't know what's wrong with me today!'

Three times I counted.

And once she put the rubber gloves on it was like a Howie Mandell act.
The shit kept popping off her hands---and all this sideshow kept saying was, "Oops".

Peeps, If you are involved in any kind of medical examination, especially one where you are sitting prone, naked, but for a life size dinner napkin, and the person in charge of your welfare says, " Oops", run for the motherfucking hills.

I wish I did.

Instead I let her circle (in sharpie) parts of my body that she later forgot she circled, call a white spot on my chest "weird", stab a needle into a wound I got last week (and before the lab results were back, write me a script).

I despise the power that I have given doctors over my perceived sense of well being.

I took a walk with a friend tonight and was telling him about all of the horror stories I have lived on account of M.D.'s.

He was laughing, and by the end, I was too.

Because if you think about it too hard, as I often do, you give these totally fallible creatures the right to dictate what may or may not determine your demise.

I came to the conclusion that the doctor I saw today was either a psychiatric patient/actress on leave from the Rocky Horror Picture show or just plain drunk.

My guess is the latter.

P.S. If you have a skin condition you want checked out, email me and I will tell you who to avoid.