Oh The Douchebaggery

Ah man.
I have no money. It totally blows.

And I am on the most ridiculous diet ever (sort of...yeah! Gluten---I cheated on your sorry ass---and it feels so good).

Point is, gluten is in practically everything. So I am walking around like a totally misanthropic turd all day complaining about my diet while my stomach is emitting some seriously loud hunger pangs.

And the only establishment that caters to my diet is Whole Foods.

Are you kidding me? They should call it Whole lotta' money you're gonna' be spending on over-priced hippie Foods.

I have dropped some serious coin there since I cut the gluten. And now that I am going about renaming things, let's just call it what it is. It's not so much a diet as it is a vision quest. Seriously. I am so deprived that I am experiencing psychic episodes. I swear the other day I levitated!

So I went today to pick up my single serving of gluten-free pizza ($5) and my Kombucha ($4)---that's a mushroom based soda, folks...oh yeah I am so crunchy my nickname should be Cap'n !--- and proceed to the checkout when I realize I have forgotten to bring one of my reusable shopping bags.

Jesus.

I could get away with this if I was at Stop and Shop. Stop and Shop doesn't give a shit.

But Whole Foods is high and mighty and all about the environment.

Don't get me wrong. I care about the environment.
I breathe air all day long.
I love the shit.

But, god forbid you ask for a bag at Whole Foods.

The few times I have been reduced to it I ended up slinking out of there holding my purchase like it was a bald eagle I just shot down and ground into a nice tetrazzini meat.

The shame!

So, not only am I spending enough money on one meal to feed a Cambodian child for a year, I am also forced to buy yet another fucking grocery bag.

All this going green is robbing me of all my greenbacks.