Oh The Douchebaggery

I spent all day at the zoo yesterday.

I'm not at all a zoo fanatic.

Matter of fact, I try to avoid it at all costs.
I don't like seeing animals behind bars.
There is something unsettling about bearing witness to a creature out of it's natural habitat.

I mean, if you are a giraffe, native to west Africa, how the fuck are you about to enjoy fall in New England?

Not so much, probably.

And don't get me started on all the scrotum munching Rhode-Islanders who tap on the glass in an attempt to wake a sleeping animal for no other reason than to pacify their whiny brat's desire to see it up close.

Calm the fuck down!

As I learned yesterday, a snow leopard can leap 32 feet! The fence enclosing said beast looks half that.

So, you want your adorable little spawn to see the creature's face?

Let's see what her face looks like after it's mauled off, chewed like so much Wrigley's, and spat on your stupid feet.
Sooo precious!

Yeah, the zoo and I have issues.

But I needed some cute kid therapy and my nieces fit the bill so, I acquiesced.

The day started out peaceably enough. My nieces were rad, the weather was nice, the smell of excrement was not yet downwind (curse you, 4:00 p.m. gust)...all's good.

About three hours in, however, I was having a straight-up boredom-induced nic-fit.

I removed my niece from my shoulders, bid my mom and sister adieu, and made my exit.

Next hour or so were spent with me chain smoking, soaking up the last gasp of the summer, and growing very, very, hungry.

By the time my family met up with me I was willing to chuck my humanitarian ideals out the window and eat a fucking snow leopard....with some fava beans and a nice Chianti, good sir!

My mom was right on board.

Thing is, my mom is singularly minded.
When we hang in the 'konk, we dine at one place only.
I have no say in the matter as I am just along for the ride and, therefore, dine for free.
So, though I hate the themed restaurant she prefers, I keep my chow hole shut... 'cept for the eatin' times.

As we walk up to the hostess stand, I realize there is some weird shit going on in my uterus.
I need to get home as soon as possible.
But the promise of a free meal is so tantalizing that I suggest we stay, but take our food to go. In the meantime we can wait at the bar while it's prepared.

Mom's down! So she orders a beer and we bide our time playing ghost.

The food took so long that we practically ran out of letters in the alphabet.

I'm antsy and uncomfortable and mom's losing her patience.

We ask about our order.

Bartender comes back with our food and we are set to jet.

As we take our leave, the server asks, "Oh, did you already pay"?
My mom answers, "Yeah".

I'm confused because I don't remember the portion of our evening when we anted up, but my insides are jumping and my mood is slumping and I need to eat my dinner like, yesterday!

We get outside and my mom is walking with total tunnel vision towards her ride.
We get inside and I ask, "Did you really pay"?

Diabolical laugh...

"No, did you"?

Holy Christ.

I aided and abetted my mom.

My salad sucked...but I would so do it again.