Oh The Douchebaggery

And I will be there with the coleslaw.

Ever have one of those cravings that will just not go away, no matter how much you try to suppress it like a bad childhood memory.

Shit, I got a hankering that can just not be satisfied. Or should I say, satis-fried? Zing! I amuse myself.

I need a hush puppy like all get-out!

Because I reside in the North and I am assuming that the majority of people who read this also live in the North (or what I will now bitterly refer to as the land of Hush Puppy Hate-itude) let me define for you the total awesomeness that is a hush puppy.

It is an all at once, sweet and savory experience. A deep fried ball of sweet cornmeal served with a perfectly seasoned cocktail sauce. Pure taste sensation. I tell you what, I am totally jonesing for one just thinking about it.

Closest thing in RI to the hush puppy is a clam cake. Fuck a clam cake!

Matter of fact, fuck clams! (I'm about to get sincerely juvenile, but--haha! Fuck Clams...snap! the sexual innuendo is priceless)!
But honestly, clams have the texture of a rubber band. Every
time I have ever disregarded my history with them and dive right in, I end up getting an extended stay visitor betwixt my bicuspids.
Shit is uncomfortable to eat. Don't get me started on popcorn! Evil buttery temptress!

And anyways, the clam cake is not as sweet and fluffy as a pure Southern hush puppy.

So I have been thinking, no, lusting over is more apt, hush puppies all day long.

It's Labor Day and a friend had the day off. I did too!
Imagine that.

So, we walked downtown and stopped for lunch at one of the only places that was open and people were actually laboring.

I'm listening to our server recant the specials when one immediately piques my interest.
Fried sesame chicken over greens with a peanut sauce.
You had me at fried--- yummy.
I snapped back to reality ever so quickly when I remembered that, oh yeah, fried means it's coated in flour and flour=gluten. Aaargh.

I thought about my glorious hush puppies again because, well, like I said, Constant Craving!

And I had the grandest epiphany. Hush Puppies are made of corn! They don't get any special glutenous coating. I can totally go to town on a hush puppy without fear of bronchial retribution!

Now here is where things get sad.

A friend of mine recently moved to Maryland.
We Southerners consider Maryland to be on the cusp of the south. Not quite southern enough and not quite northern enough.
But they are situated on some fine fishing waters* and I must attest, I have enjoyed some delectable hush puppies there.

Last week my friend (not the aforementioned ex-pat), realizing that it was gonna' be a long weekend, up and booked it out of town to D.C. and didn't bother to tell me until she was well en route.
I'm like, wait, Hey! That's close to Maryland, a.k.a. Hush Puppy Territory.
Drop a sistah' off.
Let's kill two birds with one stone (folks, that's next to impossible! every time I try I only end up injuring the second bird, the wing-man if you will!) and visit with my friend and feast on buckets of hush puppies.

Nah. No such luck.

I really need to invest in a deep fryer.

God, I'm not even going to count, but I know I said the words hush and puppy ad-naseum.

Here's hoping a lot of people are desiring info about hush puppies, hush puppy recipes, the movie Hush (awful) or cute pictures of puppies (adorable), because that shit shows up on google.

I need the hits man.
Way more than Amy Winehouse and Nick Nolte combined.

*I should clarify that for some inexplicable reason hush puppies are only available in seafood restaurants. And Damnit! Only in the South.