Oh The Douchebaggery

Patience is a fucking gift.

I am forced to demonstrate it about ninety times a day because I deal with people who are straight-up Tom Cruise batshit. But my coworker Alize (name changed to make actual name 5x cooler) has been dealing with the brunt of the lunacy lately. Poor thing has been a saint in the face of extreme nutrageousness.

Today a woman of East European descent (not to blindly generalize, but Slavic bitches have perfected the angry scowl and wild hand gesturing) came in and demanded black bread.
So Alize points out the closest thing we have to a "black" bread, whole wheat. The little lady got all guttural and groans, "No, BLACK BREAD" ! Then she makes Alize take every single loaf of bread (and, folks, we have a lot of bread...you might even say it's our business) off the shelf so she can get a closer look and then chides Alize for the bread not being black enough. It was like a fox news item about Obama. Oh yes I did!

The entire time Alize is dealing with this woman I am trying with all my might not to crack the fuck up. Tears are welling in my eyes and my bladder is positively on the verge of doing something cataclysmic. I'm doing my best not to explode at the sheer ridiculousness of it all because I have already gotten in trouble at work for, shall I say, visually and/or verbally expressing my bemusement/irritation over other people's insanity...usually accomplished with a now-uncontrollable eye-roll, smirk, or downright 'tude.

Ms. Alize is stoic.

After about twenty minutes of back and forth (I counted at least 4 statements of We don't carry black bread here), the angry midget decides to go terrorize some other poor shop attendant for some Nubian bread.

Alize, I raise my glass to you.

It might be filled with city tap water and tears of utter desperation, 'cause that's how I'm rolling tonight. But one day, my friend in the slave trade, we will feast on the spoils of victory! Because I know it's going to be one of us (hopefully both and at approximately the same time so we can share in said feast immediately) that snaps and lets out the mighty torrent of rage that is plaguing us and we will be given the heave-ho, tout d'suite!

Oh, what a beautiful fantasy.

And in it, my boobs are stunning.